Archive for October, 2007|Monthly archive page

In Uncategorized on October 23, 2007 at 12:32 am


yesterday i was barefoot, barely clothed and bawling for confessions on the streets of salem.

since my role as carnival barker* required me to perform a lot more clowning and calling than confessing** i did not have the opportunity to get much off of my chest. so, please bless me by sitting still for one more moment and hearing what i have to say.

i don’t like being a fool for Christ, but a fool is undoubtedly what i am. i usually cannot believe all that i hope in, but continue to preach. i rarely choose to bless those who curse me and usually curse more often than i bless. nine times out of ten i not only eschew the prayer closet but also find it hard to opt for silence instead of morning edition.

i am not worthy of Christ, but have been wholly subverted by his grace and though he alone is my righteousness i seem to imitate him less and less. i am as confounded by Christ as godric, as compromised as the whisky priest and duplicitous as jacob. yet, for some unknown reason, every time He cues the song i start to stumble forward.

send in the clown.

* which fits me a little better than say, martin luther, the role pastor phil talked me into playing on friday night.
** dr. james reports that my actual ratio of clowning to confessing was 67.5 to 1.


In Uncategorized on October 22, 2007 at 3:48 am


according to stephanie simon of the los angeles times, southwestern baptist seminary in texas has reinvigorated their humanities program by inviting the weaker sex to minor in home economics.

money quotes:

“Equal but different. You hear that a lot on the lush green campus of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. God values men and women equally, any student here will tell you. It’s just that he’s given them different responsibilities: Men make decisions; women make dinner.”

“A model house, to be completed by next fall, will allow women to get credit toward bachelor’s degrees by learning how to set tables, sew buttons, and sustain lively dinner-time conversation.”

too bad the baptist general conference wrestled control of baylor university from the man hands of the sbc. if baylor’s board of regents had let the sbc have their way 99% of the married women in waco would have already participated in the life-changing “scouring toilets while sharing Christ” campaign.

now that you’ve read this take, read the article for yourself.

In Uncategorized on October 17, 2007 at 2:12 am

memorandum from captain random:

while i’m witnessing the deconstruction of the sox – which i prophesied before the series began – i thought i’d bore you with a few divergent thoughts.

every time i as i watch crafty veterans like eddievagasilharris, uh, i mean paul byrd, pitch or manny ramirez hit, it reminds me how important it is for baseball players to replicate their mechanics. pitchers like byrd, maddux or glavine* succeed because they are able to replicate their mechanics on a consistent basis. often one minor adjustment in such mechanics can alter or end a pitcher’s career. the latter happened to dizzy dean I when he slightly altered his mechanics to compensate for a broken big toe and consequently shredded his shoulder and was traded to the cubs.** where was i going with this??? oh yeah, the older i get, the more i realize that replicating mechanics is not only essential to success in baseball, but also success in life. as i tell my students, if you can show up on-time for every shift, consistently shirk the voice of self-rejection and fin a way to remain positive in the midst of a pissy world you are well on your way to success.

so why don’t i practice what i preach? i desperately need to replicate my mechanics in the practice of prayer, blessing those who curse me, loving my enemies and addressing today what i often put off until tomorrow.

are you listening? if so, here’s my secret. i woke up last tuesday and decided to root for cleveland. i respect their pitching staff, enjoy watching sizemore and their other young slashers and respect their baseball ops staff.*** but the primary reason i’m joining the tribe is that i’m sick of rooting for the microsoft red sox. the tribe has less than half their payroll, consistently develops the majority of their own talent and refuses to invest in pricey trifles like nancy drew. in short, i’m rooting for cleveland because i’m a class warrior. so eat it, john henry, you stupid cow.****

new nick hornby novel out today, in case you were wondering. i think hornby is one of the most humane authors of our generation. can you dig?

the sox are going to have to lay down another unlikely three spot in order to save their arses from o-blivion. like i said before the series began: cleveland in six.

over at rectangle, i had the opportunity to participate in the training of a new employment specialist today. in the midst of my attempts to show him the cold calling ropes, share a few of my schemes and circumvent the colleague dramedies i remembered how fortunate i am to have a job i love. of course, i’ll probably, eventually, screw myself by exchanging the job for a half-baked dream of a pastoral ministry, but right now I am at home with the me. I am rooted in the me who is on this adventure.

this saturday our church is renting out our meeting space to a wine, ale and mead festival. since i have the keys to that particular kingdom that means free drinks for me. how cool is that?

have you ever had a hysterical auto-erotic story that you’d love to share with the viewing public but are legally constrained from doing so?

yeah, me neither.

people i’d cast for the playoff promos before casting dane d-bag cook: john cusack; tommy lasorda;***** alyssa milano; dennis leary.

pitchmen even dane d-bag cook could trump: chris boom-boom berman; joel osteen; helen keller; anamatronic harry caray.

your candidates?

can i just say that i am enjoying fatherhood even more than i thought i would? our preston is incredibly special.******

fifteen second review of friday night lights, season 2: brilliantly acted, exquisitely shot, had me at howdy and full of ratings ploy plots that will probably kill the show.*******

nancy drew popping up in the bottom of the ninth? unbelievable.

* yes, i realize that regardless of his recent post-season success, byrd does not belong in this company.
** then, as now, such a trade signaled the end of a career.
*** speaking of which, chris antonetti, please.please.please bless the lou with an opportunity to interview and a few years of your young life.
**** unless you decide to return to your roots and rescue the team of your youth from our republican owners. then i’ll be happy to eat you or do anything else you desire. think about it johnny…who can resist fleurdelis a la gentry.
***** yes, even the dementia addled, depends wearing version.
****** we use the latter adjective when speaking of our son because it is deliberately ambiguous and adequately covers both extremes of the IQ spectrum.
******* i wanted to say “abort the baby” but i can’t say that here, can i?

In Uncategorized on October 2, 2007 at 1:32 am

pride and joy

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