In Uncategorized on February 8, 2008 at 4:13 am

chuck smith, c.s.s.: the lost transcripts

chuck smith, c.s.s.: thank you for calling lightway, how can i serve you?

customer: i recently bought 45 copies of the purpose driven life for a fundraising event at my church and i’d like to return the unsold copies.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: i’m sorry ma’am, we don’t accept returns that result from poor sales. we’d suggest selling the remaindered copies at a steep discount or distributing the copies to the homeless community in your area. lord knows the latter group could use a little purpose.

customer: but we sold these copies in order to support a short-term mission trip to the dominican republic. if have to eat the cost of these copies the money will come straight out of our mission budget. can’t you make an exception in this case.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: sorry ma’am. our return policy is as immutable as the easily discernible election of God. allow me to commend you, however, for spending a few days of your summer serving the under-evangelized people of the dominican. i’ve heard that there are still a few barrios on the island that haven’t had an opportunity to experience the veggietown vbs or be touched by a pantomimed re-enactment of the passion of Christ this year. thank you for doing your part.

customers thank you for supporting our mission. can we continue discussing the matter at hand?

chuck smith, c.s.s.: no need to do that ma’am. what is written is written. did your team spend your tourist days exploring haiti? last time i visited the cafes of port-au-prince, i was overwhelmed by the quality of service and incredibly low prices. say what you want about poverty, but it sure produces an affordable fine dining experience!
customer: chuck, i’m tired of you giving me the run-around and denigrating the significant sacrifices our team made to share the gospel. let me speak to your manager.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: my manager is going to give you the same story about the returns, but if it’s caesar you want… please hold one moment.

hold music: “when i think about my God. i don’t have to think about her bod. she might not have hindquarters of glory, but she calls out the name and she knows the story! when i think about…”

chuck smith, c.s.s.: cough, cough. this is mr. manager, how can i help you?

customer: mr. manager?

chuck smith, c.s.s.: yes, i mean, this is michael, customer service manager. how can i help you?

customer: thank you for taking my call. i would like to return 45 copies of the purpose driven life that our mission team has left over from last summer’s fund-raiser.

chuck smith, c.s.s.:
i’m sorry ma’am. we don’t accept returns of remaindered copies, but just for calling us today we’d like to offer you free primary shipping on your next purchase of $35 or more. in addition, i’d like to take a minute to tell you just a little about our thursday morning specials. right now we have michael savages’ new expose of the obama candidacy, wahhabi in the white house for just $7.99 and john eldredges’ eager heart: positioning your wife for passionate rescue for just $5.49. which of these specials interests you today?

customer: no, i’m not interested in any specials and i can’t believe your ridiculous return policy. i’m sure that amazon would allow me to return with no questions asked.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: well ma’am, if you want to do business with the money changers of the world, we’re not going to stop you.

customer: this is the last time i will be purchasing from you.

chuck smith, c.s.s.: thank you for shopping in the light! we’ll be sure to forward you the coupon for the free shipping and will look forward to serving you again soon.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: