Why I Hate the Steelers

In Uncategorized on January 24, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Submitted By: Kevin Smith Clark

O Pittsburgh, O convergence of rivers three

O black and gold, O terrible towel

How do I hate thee?

Let me tell my ways

1.  The Fan-base. This breaks down into three categories: (1) those who existed before 2004, (2) The late adopters 2004-present (3) my brother-in-law, who is exempt, not because he’s family, but because he’s not a turd about it.  I’d like to focus on group 2. Most readers of this blog won’t appreciate this for geographical reasons, but I live in NW Ohio.  Here are the following NFL teams CLOSER to my front door than the Steelers: the Bears, Colts, Browns, Bengals, and Lions.  Yet, all these “free agent” Steelers fans seem to emerge right around the time they conveniently went 15-1 in 2004.  This was all hidden under the guise of “Oh, it’s because Roethlisberger is from Findlay” (an hour away).  If that’s the case, where are all the Raiders and Packers fans since Charles Woodson is from Fremont (again, an hour away)?  Did I mention he has a Heisman Trophy?  Oh, that’s right, that’s because the Packers and Raiders weren’t any good in 2003-2006.  Bottom line: people like fast food, they want their successful teams NOW.  I even know people who were Browns fans and are now Steelers fans…which I call Sports Adultery (ask Gentry the conditions he’d ever cheer for the Cubs…and that includes if they were playing the Al-Qaeda All-Stars).  So, it was awfully convenient to see/hear these people waving the black and gold after XL and XLIII.

2.  Autoproctology. Yes, I’m sick of seeing this team pull something out of their black and gold hind-quarters.  I’ll go to my grave defending the following: (1) Darrell Jackson did not “push off” in his TD reception in XL that would’ve given the Seahawks a 7-0 lead, (2) Roethlisberger DID fumble the ball before he broke the plain in XL (3) James Harrison was DOWN before he crossed the goal in XLIII.  The magically placed fumbles that can be retuned for TDs, the convenient penalties…no other team gets these kinds of breaks, yet nobody seems to call it what it is: LUCK.

3.  It’s not Roethlisberger, it’s the system. Put him on the Panthers and see what he does.  He’s Matt Schaub anywhere else…good, not great.  Big plays, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.  For the naysayers out there, Charlie Batch, the pride of Eastern Michigan University, former LION quarterback, went 3-1 with this system to start the season.  Now, give Colt McCoy or Matt Stafford those weapons…Wallace, Mendenhall, Ward, Heath Miller.  Give them that defense.  See what happens.  I’m sick of this crap.  Kurt Warner took different teams to the Super Bowl, and Joe Montana won playoff games with the Chiefs.

4.  It’s Good for Business.  I’ve been stewing on this one for a few years now…and I’ll never be able to prove it, but I think there’s a gentleman’s agreement between the League and the officials.  If they’re in the SB, the calls seem to go their way…consistently (cf. the Super Bowl arguments in #2)…because, let’s be honest: “Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl champion Arizona Cardinals” doesn’t have the glitz and glamour as “the Steelers”…it doesn’t sell as much merch (especially to our focus group in #1), so it’s just not quite what the “shield” wants to promote.  Some may want to point out SBXXX, but that was against the Cowboys, the darlings of the league at that time (some might argue one bad quarter away from winning 4 in a row).  At least this one’s against the Packers, so that could level the playing field, since both are iconic, have rabid fan bases, and merch snatchers.

5.  The Rivalry. This is #5 on the list, but it’s #1 for me.  I’m a Browns fan, so for no reason, do I ever cheer for Pittsburgh…unless they’re being cast back into the fires of Mt. Doom from whence they were made (only there can they be unmade).  I’ve heard some say, “Well, you should cheer for the AFC, or the North Division.”  Find me the Bears fans cheering for Green Bay because they’re from the NFC North.  Anyone who makes this statement doesn’t understand how rivalries work…you DON’T CHEER FOR YOUR RIVAL.  I’m even disgusted there’s a Ryan Clark on the Steelers (for those who don’t know: my 3 year-old is Ryan Clark).  I grimace when I see that stupid flag, stupid logo, stupid jersey, stupid #7 or #43, Troy Polamalu’s Head and Shoulders commercials, Ben’s backwards hat, Heinz ketchup, and so on.  I shake my fist at our local sporting goods store with the sign out front reading: “Get Your Steelers Gear Here” (again for the late adopters, because the real fans already have Bradshaw or Bettis jerseys).  That’s why when MY Ryan Clark says, “Who are the Steelers?” I say, “The bad guys,” and he understands.

For the sake of my sanity, blood pressure, and time management, I’ve decided to boycott XLV, because I’d rather miss seeing Green Bay pull an upset, than witness the only thing grosser than a Biggest Loser weigh-in.

For what it’s worth, the Packers are the FAVORITES to win, and we all know the Steelers love to be the underdog (please refer to #4)…see what I mean?

Caveat: the following is based purely on emotion.  If you’re here to point out my ad hominem attacks, syllogistic flaws, apples-to-oranges comparisons, you are wasting your time…and mine.  Approximately 0.0005% of all sports arguments are based in logic.  You want logic, go play chess (or make an album, for you Mac nerds out there).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: