The 2011 NFL Season…Maybe

In Uncategorized on March 14, 2011 at 1:19 am

Submitted By: Kevin Smith Clark

Okay we have players, we have owners.  We have greedy people on both sides.  We have questions.  Should owners have to show their books?  Should multi-million dollar athletes be better financial stewards?  Or should they spend 20% of their annual salaries on diamond earrings, or gold plated stripper poles in their 30,000 square foot mansions?

Unfortunately, I have no good answer for you, friends.  I know this: I will have a four month depression if there’s no NFL, and I’ll tell you why…it’s not because…


  • I’m an NFL junkie (which I am)
  • I’m a Browns fan (which I am, insert joke here ________)
  • Tom Brady’s hair
  • Larry Fitzgerald’s hands
  • Bart Scott’s postgame comments (“Can’t wait!”)
  • Shannon Sharpe’s ridiculous tie knots
  • C’mon man!
  • the Steelers might lose another Super Bowl…wasn’t that fun?!

No.  It goes further than this.  Far beyond any collective bargaining table.  Beyond revenues and extra games.  Past salary caps and insurance.  This one cuts straight to my Thursday nights and poses the most overlooked and unanswered question to date: what will happen on Season Three of “The League”???!!! Think about it.  No terrible drafting by Andre…no collusion between Kevin and Jenny…no “child please”…no Ruxin shoving the Shiva in everyone’s faces…no Pete wasting time checking his lineup at work…NO SACKO??!!

So while Mike & Mike are trying to play arbiter for four hours every morning, I’m here thinking beneath the surface and how it affects important things, like funny, underappreciated television.  They talk DeMaurice Smith, I talk El Cunado.  They theorize, I NOTARIZE!

Now, the terribly witty staff at “The League” could come up with brilliant solutions to this potential non-season.  Maybe they take a stab at a Fantasy Hockey league and talk about how terrible it is because nobody gives a crap about the NHL.  Or they take up Canadian Football and wear Doug Flutie jerseys and start saying “aboot” and watch Degrassi reruns.  I don’t know, but unless we get this resolved, that apocalyptic eclipse that developed at the end of Season Two…you know the one…outside the police station…Ruxin holding the Shiva aloft…Andre’s stupid Will Smith hat…that one…that may become more than the moon blotting out the sun.  It’ll be a metaphor for the NFL ruining my TV schedule.  Thanks for nothing.


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