Posts Tagged ‘Browns’

It’s Not Me, It’s You (or, You’re Ross, I’m Rachel)

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Submitted By: Kevin Smith Clark

Dear Cleveland Browns,

I need a break from us.  We’ve been going steady for several years now, and just when I think you’re ready to commit, you break my heart.  You use me (Gerard Warren with the #3 pick over LaDanian Tomlinson in the 2001 Draft).  You tease me (remember 9-7 in ’02 and 10-6 in ’07)?  You ignore my needs.  I need the offense and the defense to be good in the same season.  I need you to play all four quarters.  I need you to pick a QB and stick with him (I’m one of the five people in America who thinks Colt McCoy is the guy for the job).

You think you know what I need…should I point out the crappy gifts you’ve given me: Courtney Brown, Gerard Warren, Jeff Faine, William Green, Kellen Winslow, Jr., Braylon Edwards.  Just because you’ve strung a few good ones together (Joe Thomas, Alex Mack, Joe Haden, and Phil Taylor), it’s not going to cut it.  Like Renee to Brodie in Mallrats: “The effort was too little, too late.”

I look around at how other fans are treated.  The Pats fans are happy.  The Lions fans are happy.  Even the stupid Bengals are turning things around, and they’re a train wreck of an organization.  When three teams from AFC North make the playoffs in one season, and we’re the only girl not asked to prom, it sucks.  And you’re to blame.

So, I’m telling you this now.  Before the draft.  So you can’t go in and grab Trent Richardson or Justin Blackmon (you know, someone you could use, an offensive player who can make an impact) and tempt me in believing your lies for another eight months.  You passed on Julio Jones last year, and then complained that Colt had no targets. Nope.  We need a break.

But I’ll make you this promise: I won’t find another team this year.  You won’t find me wearing black and gold, or purple, or green.  I think there’s still good in you…you’re like Anakin Skywalker (Sebastian Shaw, not Hayden Christiansen).  But I can’t take this relationship any further right now.

I won’t watch you this year.  At all.  I’ll give you a chance to win back my affection.  And since I’m making this public declaration, I’m sure you’ll pull off one of those shocker seasons, pull a 10-6 or (Lord, help me) 11-5, sucker me back into your clutches, and start this vicious cycle all over again.

I’m just going to spend the 2012 NFL season watching teams like the Patriots, Packers, Niners, Texans, even the old Browns over in Baltimore, and wonder what it’s like to be their fan.

Call me in 2013.


Moving On in Wauseon

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