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Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

It’s Not Me, It’s You (or, You’re Ross, I’m Rachel)

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Submitted By: Kevin Smith Clark

Dear Cleveland Browns,

I need a break from us.  We’ve been going steady for several years now, and just when I think you’re ready to commit, you break my heart.  You use me (Gerard Warren with the #3 pick over LaDanian Tomlinson in the 2001 Draft).  You tease me (remember 9-7 in ’02 and 10-6 in ’07)?  You ignore my needs.  I need the offense and the defense to be good in the same season.  I need you to play all four quarters.  I need you to pick a QB and stick with him (I’m one of the five people in America who thinks Colt McCoy is the guy for the job).

You think you know what I need…should I point out the crappy gifts you’ve given me: Courtney Brown, Gerard Warren, Jeff Faine, William Green, Kellen Winslow, Jr., Braylon Edwards.  Just because you’ve strung a few good ones together (Joe Thomas, Alex Mack, Joe Haden, and Phil Taylor), it’s not going to cut it.  Like Renee to Brodie in Mallrats: “The effort was too little, too late.”

I look around at how other fans are treated.  The Pats fans are happy.  The Lions fans are happy.  Even the stupid Bengals are turning things around, and they’re a train wreck of an organization.  When three teams from AFC North make the playoffs in one season, and we’re the only girl not asked to prom, it sucks.  And you’re to blame.

So, I’m telling you this now.  Before the draft.  So you can’t go in and grab Trent Richardson or Justin Blackmon (you know, someone you could use, an offensive player who can make an impact) and tempt me in believing your lies for another eight months.  You passed on Julio Jones last year, and then complained that Colt had no targets. Nope.  We need a break.

But I’ll make you this promise: I won’t find another team this year.  You won’t find me wearing black and gold, or purple, or green.  I think there’s still good in you…you’re like Anakin Skywalker (Sebastian Shaw, not Hayden Christiansen).  But I can’t take this relationship any further right now.

I won’t watch you this year.  At all.  I’ll give you a chance to win back my affection.  And since I’m making this public declaration, I’m sure you’ll pull off one of those shocker seasons, pull a 10-6 or (Lord, help me) 11-5, sucker me back into your clutches, and start this vicious cycle all over again.

I’m just going to spend the 2012 NFL season watching teams like the Patriots, Packers, Niners, Texans, even the old Browns over in Baltimore, and wonder what it’s like to be their fan.

Call me in 2013.

Sincerely,

Moving On in Wauseon

Slowfo’s 2011 Football Preview

In Uncategorized on September 5, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Submitted By: Slowfo

Being raised in Oklahoma, one would think it to be a natural occurrence that I would become a fan of the football teams I now follow. Growing up, my dad was a Dallas Cowboys fan and had always said that you stick by your team during the good years or the bad. “Don’t be a band-wagon jumper!” he would exclaim with pride. He would never stoop to such cheap, shallow shenanigans! That pride has been ingrained in me that you never give up your team. So I’m still a Cowboys fan (and a Baltimore Orioles fan…..pray for me) in spite of the Jerry Jones embarrassments as well as their playoff ineptitude of late. Meanwhile, my dad has reversed course from his old team-following proverb to the point that it would not surprise me if, when asked “What team are you following this year, Dad?” He might reply with, “Who’s winning?”

As for becoming a fan of the mighty Sooners, I blame Texas (which is always fun to do! are they responsible for the demise of the Big 12? hook ’em). In Oklahoma, there are multitudes of obnoxious Sooner fans to the point that as a kid, I grew weary of constantly hearing about them and their magical wishbone formations. I could have been an Oklahoma State fan but they rarely win and are annually sour about their never-ending little brother status in this state. I couldn’t care less about either team until I uprooted my family in 1999 to Texas. My new Texan friends automatically concluded that since I was from Oklahoma, I must be a Sooners fan and proceeded to weekly give me all sorts of grief about the state of the Sooners and how much better their Longhorns were (remember my comment on how obnoxious Sooner fans can be? Well, take that and multiply x2 for Longhorn fans. Makes sense. Everything’s bigger in Texas, right?). Let me remind you that this same year a guy by the name of Bob Stoops was hired as Oklahoma’s coach. I like that guy. And all of the sudden, he started shutting up those Texas fans that I dealt with every day. Since then, I’ve loved Bob and those Sooners and I’ll stick by my team no matter how many national championships they win or refuse to show up for (see money-injected USC’s 55-19 drubbing in 2005).

On with the Cowboys/Sooners preview for 2011:

Let’s start with the not-so-great first. The Dallas Cowboys. I’m hopeful about Jason Garrett as coach. Maybe his Ivy League education will help this team play a little smarter than they did last year when they were one of the most penalized teams under Wade Phillips. Rob Ryan will give the defense some spark although he won’t have good enough players yet to really make an impact with. Special teams are iffy although it will be fun to watch former Oklahoma State kicker, Dan Bailey and former Oklahoma Sooners superstar RB Demarco Murray see if they can make a difference. The whole team looks good but not quite good enough to me. Romo at QB, Felix Jones at RB, an aging linebacker corp, and an improving but young offensive line tell me that this team goes 8-8, or 9-7 at best this year. Playoffs are doubtful unless Garrett can get this team to overachieve.

As for the Oklahoma Sooners, they’ve started the year as the #1 team in every poll in the country (I think that’s right….I’m too lazy to look them all up) and that has me worried. The preseason favorite hardly ever actually becomes national champ. The Sooners offense is incredibly powerful and deep. Their defense is very good but suspect. All American Travis Lewis is hurt at least for the next several weeks and their defensive line is potentially weak. The worst part of this team is still their place kicking which will likely cost them at least one game this year and will make others closer than necessary. Landry Jones and the Sooners will need to get over their fear of wearing their white jerseys. When this team is on the road, recent history has shown they can be extremely vulnerable. My prediction – Landry Jones will be a Heisman candidate but not the winner. The Sooners will be a National Championship participant but sadly will lose to Alabama. Consequently the vocal minority of Sooner fans in this state will unbelievably call for Bob Stoop’s head for once again getting the team to the dance but not winning their 8th national championship. The Sooners only loss aside from the championship will come on Sept. 17 to Florida State; but the best game to watch this year will be Bedlam – Oklahoma at Oklahoma State on December 3rd. It will once again be a battle for the ages but the Sooners will come out on top as they tend to do against the Pokes. Congrats to OSU though for really upgrading their program (cool new uniforms to boot!) and making this state a football haven to reckon with. Enjoy the college football season and we’ll see you in the PAC-16 next year!

The 2011 NFL Season…Maybe

In Uncategorized on March 14, 2011 at 1:19 am

Submitted By: Kevin Smith Clark

Okay we have players, we have owners.  We have greedy people on both sides.  We have questions.  Should owners have to show their books?  Should multi-million dollar athletes be better financial stewards?  Or should they spend 20% of their annual salaries on diamond earrings, or gold plated stripper poles in their 30,000 square foot mansions?

Unfortunately, I have no good answer for you, friends.  I know this: I will have a four month depression if there’s no NFL, and I’ll tell you why…it’s not because…

 

  • I’m an NFL junkie (which I am)
  • I’m a Browns fan (which I am, insert joke here ________)
  • Tom Brady’s hair
  • Larry Fitzgerald’s hands
  • Bart Scott’s postgame comments (“Can’t wait!”)
  • Shannon Sharpe’s ridiculous tie knots
  • C’mon man!
  • the Steelers might lose another Super Bowl…wasn’t that fun?!

No.  It goes further than this.  Far beyond any collective bargaining table.  Beyond revenues and extra games.  Past salary caps and insurance.  This one cuts straight to my Thursday nights and poses the most overlooked and unanswered question to date: what will happen on Season Three of “The League”???!!! Think about it.  No terrible drafting by Andre…no collusion between Kevin and Jenny…no “child please”…no Ruxin shoving the Shiva in everyone’s faces…no Pete wasting time checking his lineup at work…NO SACKO??!!

So while Mike & Mike are trying to play arbiter for four hours every morning, I’m here thinking beneath the surface and how it affects important things, like funny, underappreciated television.  They talk DeMaurice Smith, I talk El Cunado.  They theorize, I NOTARIZE!

Now, the terribly witty staff at “The League” could come up with brilliant solutions to this potential non-season.  Maybe they take a stab at a Fantasy Hockey league and talk about how terrible it is because nobody gives a crap about the NHL.  Or they take up Canadian Football and wear Doug Flutie jerseys and start saying “aboot” and watch Degrassi reruns.  I don’t know, but unless we get this resolved, that apocalyptic eclipse that developed at the end of Season Two…you know the one…outside the police station…Ruxin holding the Shiva aloft…Andre’s stupid Will Smith hat…that one…that may become more than the moon blotting out the sun.  It’ll be a metaphor for the NFL ruining my TV schedule.  Thanks for nothing.

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